In her Heart...awaits an Angel

Hospice nurse and social worker called this morning and asked to come over to talk with us about Lorrie's status. We told them that the past two days have been difficult because she was acting very confused and at times combative. We think that because her liver isn't processing like it should, it isn't cleansing her blood.

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We Don't Walk Alone

YOU... my family and friends have been sending the most wonderful post back to us from the blog and daily we read them back to Lorrie. It is amazing to read the heartfelt words from you and you give us wind at our backs to push on each day. Seems each hard day we have is met with something good to read from you. We had another very hard day today because Lorrie's weakened condition has made it almost impossible to care for her from the living room couch I just bought for her. I called Hospice this morning and they came out this morning and did a procedure to help her bladder and also brought us a hospital bed that would be much more comfortable for her. She was quite combative through the procedure but she has been resting since 10:00 am this morning. The medication is having an adverse effect on her at this time but we are again still trying to balance the pain with the meds. Sometimes when situations like today occur and her cry's out to me that she cant go on will ring in my ears all day long, I look into the sky and have to ask God if he is still there with us, my mind will drift off to my personal favorite poem "Footprints in the sand" which really holds true for me each day when the road get tough.

The poems reads,

" Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord.

After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.

This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”

The Lord replied, “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you could see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”

We will keep the faith and continue to praise God even at times we think he isn't there. We don't understand at this time why she has to suffer so long and hard but we will never forsake our true almighty Father in heaven. This woman is a daughter of God and we trust in him completely.

One Day At a Time

It's Thursday night and today has been pretty nice. We had our nurse from Hospice out today to go over Lorries condition with us and give us some options for her care. They have offered to us a hospital bed that they would bring into our home that would enable Lorrie to be more comfortable and give us a chance to care for her easier. Alicia and I are alternating nights at her side and we are getting used to the short cat naps between taking care of her through the night. She is becoming increasingly weaker it seems each day which the nurse indicates is a direct complication from the cancer she is fighting. She is dropping some weight again but we are continuing to get the protein down as much as we can. Lorries mother Linda has dropped over again as she does so many times a week and continues to clean and rearrange the house while my mom Polly is making us some amazing dinners and helping watch Lorrie for me when I have to get something done around the house. We know that there wont be many days like the Saturday we all had together two weeks ago when she woke up, cleaned the fridge, arranged her medication cabinet and asked to go to Hobby Lobby in north Scottsdale to make this incredible rose covered cross, but whatever the Lord gives us each day either good or bad, we thank him for another blessed day with mom.

And in Our Care....She'll stay!!

After being in the hospital for three days after having her biliary lines changed I told the doctors to release Lorrie and let us go home today. They obviously have decided not to do anything more in a curative nature I believe because we have Hospice in play. It's just as well because I can take over where they left off and make a difference in her comfort. She has been home almost eight hours and been resting peacefully without much pain at all. She has been drinking a new protein formula that we found and is keeping it down. It is called IsoPure and it is 100% Pure Ion Exchange Whey Protein Isolate. If she can manage to drink it each day it will supply her with the necessary proteins her body isn't getting and give her a fighting chance to gain some needed weight. The past few days have been incredibly hard for Lorrie in the hospital because being labeled stage 4 terminal cancer patient in a minimal Hospice care treatment state, they have done what they seem to think they do best buy pumping her with excessive amounts of Diladid pain medication over the past couple of days. Once I found out that they were giving her 2 mils of the pain medication I then understood why she was so delirious and non communicative. I told them to give her half that amount and if she needed more to give her the other dose of it. All of a sudden five hours later, we were carrying on conversations about getting out of there the next day. I'm not saying they were intentionally trying to over medicate Lorrie but they service so many people with this disease and they feel that it is in the best interest of the patient to push the medication factor to the limit in order to make them comfortable. Hospice met me in the hospital and told me that they spoke with the resident doctors and they feel that I should place her in their in-Hospice treatment center and continue to treat her pain levels more accuaratly and I responded politely with a definite resounding NO!! Alicia and I are at her side everyday and we have got a great balance of care between the two of us. I would have never thought in my wildest dreams that one day I would be having to care for Lorrie the way we do daily but I wouldn't have it any other way. If she could find a way to drag my 250 pound ass around the house she would do the same for me. She's got 100% of my attention and love through this battle we fight together. Kari, Lorrie loved your post and promises to fight with all she's got. Thanks again for everyones support...

The battle continues....

We arrived back to the hospital on Thursday morning to have Lorrie's biliary lines replaced and everything looked great until late the same night after dinner. She was leaking great amounts of biliary fluid on her skin so we felt it was best to get to the E.R. department fast. Closer examination showed that the lines were not working so they decided to admit her. The following day doctors indicated that because of the many procedures to replace the lines it appears that the skin has stretched and is going to continue to do so. They have a decided to place a device over them to keep the fluid off her skin. It is working..... Seems everytime we are at the hospital they super medicate for her pain and all communication with her almost ceases. She is unable to talk on the phone much less to anyone who visits her here but I am reading the blog replys to her each day. Her condition is very weak and she is sleeping more than ever. I am trying to get her home where i feel i can take better care of her but again we need to find some balance in her pain. Hospice suggested to place her in their care but I dont see that as an option right now. This daily routine of watching this amazing mother and wife of ours being beat down by this terrible disease is ceartainly testing our faith. She has endured enough pain and agony and it tears our hearts out to watch her suffer. We are all praying for Gods hand of mercy on her at this time.

Holding onto Every Good Day

It's late Monday night and Lorrie is resting along side Alicia in her bed. The past few nights have been hard because her pain continues to balance itself with the medication she's taking and we just keep increasing the dosage. Not sure why but she is unable to walk now which is either from the pain in her abdomen or the edema she has in her legs. Seems each day her condition worsens and her cries become louder. We were given a good day on Saturday and was able to get her out of the house for a few hours and took her to Hobby Lobby in north Scottsdale so she could find the products to make a rose covered cross that she had been wanting to make. She came home and got the glue gun out and created a beautiful piece. A florist for over twenty years she has never lost her designing talents. My brother Jeff and his wife Julie from Denver are flying in this week to spend time with us and we all look forward to seeing them. I hope we can have a couple of quality days while they are here. Lorrie wanted me to tell everyone she reads all the post here at her blog and that you all are very special to her. God Bless

Hospice to help

It's been two weeks since we came home from the hospital and each one of them have been very difficult because of the amount of pain that Lorrie has in her abdomen. After trying different pain killers that we had received from the hospital, we decided to get the people that know how to treat pain better than anyone. We have asked for Hospice of the Valley to come and help us. They had met with me in the hospital while we were there and said that if they could help with her pain control they would be there. Without anymore alternatives I believed I needed to call them out this time to help. They sent out a registered nurse and a social worker to meet with us at first. Then without any paperwork really completed, they jumped into action to ease her pain. Because the pain medication she was taking was pill form, each time she would take them she would throw them up. So, they have found a way for me to give her all the medication in a liquid format now and at the right intervals to keep her pain at a tolerant level. She hasn't had any good days that I can remember in a long time because of the cancer cells that are in her abdomen. In the past one would ask her how she was doing and she would reply I'm doing ok. Now her response is "crappy" with a smile.But she continues to fight the fight against this disease. Each day showing me new levels of strength and perseverance.